Do You Know That Feeling?

Imagine this…You build a large magna-tile tower and a friend comes by and knocks it down unexpectedly. Later another friend grabs your material claiming the material is theirs not yours. Then, someone steals your seat when you get up to go to the bathroom. Another day you play a board game and lose by just one point. To end your day during a discussion you have a really great idea but you aren’t picked to share.

How would you react in these moments? Would you shrug them off calmly or would you unleash your inner red panda like Mei in the movie Turning Red? These types of moments happen daily at Acton and honestly they happen to every child everywhere. As an adult you probably have your very own version of small bummers that make you want to burst too! Since hard times can be frequent thinking about how you support your child’s journey is essential.

Research psychologist hero and Yale professor in the Child Study Center, Marc Brackett shares “Each moment is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond.” At Acton we embrace all emotions and the freedom of choice. We have a bit of a process and a philosophy on how to approach learners that I’d like to share with you today.

Here’s a few examples. In Spark this past week a typically happy and easy going learner had his plan change unexpectedly and he got overwhelmed. Suddenly he threw his body on the floor and spiraled with tornado tears, appearing like a puddle. So, what do Guides do? Instead of ignoring or demanding that he stops, we meet the learner on the floor and lay down beside him. Having someone meet you where you are is a powerful experience and one that builds trust, plus sometimes the floor is just what both of us need! When a child has company it’s much easier to rise together. Once we’re out of the funk the work begins, the work of reflection and planning. My favorite question after we hash through what happened and how it feels is “What one thing would you change?” Too many things changing is too tough, but one thing is manageable! Often it’s “I’ll take a breath when I’m mad” or “I’ll walk away to the Zen Den to cool off” or “I’ll use my words instead of yelling.”

Emotions are beautiful and natural, emotions are welcomed however there are ok ways to act versus not ok. If you are mad it is ok to breathe loudly and name that you are frustrated. It is not ok to throw things, hit others, or yell at the top of your lungs. Framing the ok and not ok action to emotions is how children learn regulation, they learn how they want to choose to respond.

A great example of the reflection process occurred this Monday when I spoke with a Discovery learner who was having a rough go. He sat down with me and I asked him how his day was going. He said “Eh” and so I asked for a show of his thumb—thumbs up, medium, or down. Here were my next questions “What happened today that makes you feel thumbs almost down?” “Were these things in your control or out of your control? “For the things you can control what one thing do you want to change for next time?” He reflected, planned, and then he hung out feeling pretty good.

Here’s some other questions that we use regularly when big feelings emerge that you might want to try at home. “Do you need time or help?” “Would you like to be alone or do you want to talk?” “Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?” If your child can’t communicate because they are overwhelmed (we all know the feeling) you can guide them to breathe and while they are doing so you can use your hands. Touch this hand if you want to be alone, touch this hand if you want me to wait and talk.

Brilliant Aristotle once shared “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” Enjoy the journey of feelings!