Diving in to Discomfort
Think about a time you felt uncomfortable recently and then think back to many other times you’ve felt that way in the past year. How do you typically react when you feel discomfort? Do you A. Walk away or are silent forever B. Do you push through the difficulty with action or words C. Do you take a break and come back later renewed D. Something else or a mix of these options. How do you typically operate? Now think of your child, do they tend to react the same, differently, or do their reactions change depending on the moment?
I ask these questions because at Acton we choose to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and Guides and I actively encourage learners to dive in and understand this feeling. Being uncomfortable is an alert and an opportunity to grow. Sometimes discomfort is an alert of boundaries that have been crossed and boundaries needing articulation. Other times feeling uncomfortable highlights our preferences, our biases, our fears, and often where we might need to grow the most.
As a parent you might find discomfort in not knowing how everything works at school or if your child is earning checks, x’s, or freedoms. Not knowing can be hard, especially if your learner is tight lipped or cryptic with information. Even for veteran Acton parents, you may be uncomfortable with the extra sass you are receiving or the sudden change of interests that your child has struck or even if your child is making the best friend choices. This is all natural and comfortably uncomfortable, par for the course. The tricky bit is what happens when you notice and how you navigate the next step.
You have a few next step options and they are identical to the one’s your learner has in their studio community. 1. Take a break, reflect, and try again 2. Ask a fellow traveler for help 3. Stand up for yourself and make your voice heard 4. Try something different, take a new path 5. Wait
As a member of the Family Studio of parents you have the valuable resource of one another. Connecting doesn’t always erase your discomfort but it often eases the awkwardness, anxiety, or confusion. The very definition of discomfort. At the very least you may find a friend in your fellow traveler parents! Number 5. Wait, is a tricky one but here’s my lesson learned to share.
Over these last 3 years I’ve experienced a golden rule for myself and our Guide team. When I observe learners distracting, arguing, or at times engaging in behavior that is mostly safe but not preferred I feel deeply uncomfortable and with every fiber of my being I try to wait. I wait with great discomfort but also curiosity for 5 minutes. Sometimes it is at minute 2 that the course gets corrected yet often it is the magical number 4. They needed time to explore the discomfort, they needed time to figure it out. My discomfort is irrelevant because their problem solving and leadership practice is more important. It is in these moments that I ask myself and I encourage our Guides to ask “Why does this feel bad? What does this tell me about me?” For me, I know I’m a fixer and a mediator and I am learning that it isn’t always my job to fix but it is to support when needed. Holding space for others is my lesson learned these last 3 years.
So, how do you get comfortable with being uncomfortable? Well, like most things it takes practice and there’s a TED talk for this! Luvvie Ajayi Jones has a pretty good one here. And if you need more encouragement, Eleanor Roosevelt once said “Do one thing everyday that scares you. Those small things that make us uncomfortable help us build courage to do the work we do.”